Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Crushing Moments

I just finished watching a video by Ze Frank about crushing words ( you can check it out here), those words that can suddenly change your whole view of life, and usually not in a positive way. It got me thinking about crushing moments, those time when all is going well and that simple nondescript action by another, be it a friend, stranger, or enemy, completely knocks you down. I've gone through a few of those lately.

As part of a cohort at school, I am with the same folks, day in and day out. We've been together for 6mths now, enough time to form bonds and friendships. Or, in my case, to be isolated. It's not that people aren't cordial, they are just not inviting. I can be in my seat in the classroom, at my table with 4 other people and tables around similarly loaded, and each person will be having a conversation. Only, none of the conversations are with me.

Before you start thinking that my classmates are horrible people, they are not. They are almost always cordial, and if I start a conversation they will engage me. But I am the one who has to start the conversation, no one cares to start one with me. When we eat, in the lab or in break area, I can be sitting at the same table, but no one will be talking with me They will literally turn their backs to hold conversations with others at the table, but I am never included. Why? I do not know.

Perhaps I appear standoffish, although I do my best to greet everyone with a smile, so I don't know why.

As long time readers of my blog know, depression runs in my family and I have suffered from it in the past. I can work myself into downward spiral when the right mix of stress, loneliness, and crushing moments happen. These moments are enough to challenge me, to weaken my resolve with my desire to continue school. This is a tough program and I need the support, the camaraderie of my classmates to succeed.  Yes, I know I can push through it alone, but it hurts me deeply.