Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Crushing Moments

I just finished watching a video by Ze Frank about crushing words ( you can check it out here), those words that can suddenly change your whole view of life, and usually not in a positive way. It got me thinking about crushing moments, those time when all is going well and that simple nondescript action by another, be it a friend, stranger, or enemy, completely knocks you down. I've gone through a few of those lately.

As part of a cohort at school, I am with the same folks, day in and day out. We've been together for 6mths now, enough time to form bonds and friendships. Or, in my case, to be isolated. It's not that people aren't cordial, they are just not inviting. I can be in my seat in the classroom, at my table with 4 other people and tables around similarly loaded, and each person will be having a conversation. Only, none of the conversations are with me.

Before you start thinking that my classmates are horrible people, they are not. They are almost always cordial, and if I start a conversation they will engage me. But I am the one who has to start the conversation, no one cares to start one with me. When we eat, in the lab or in break area, I can be sitting at the same table, but no one will be talking with me They will literally turn their backs to hold conversations with others at the table, but I am never included. Why? I do not know.

Perhaps I appear standoffish, although I do my best to greet everyone with a smile, so I don't know why.

As long time readers of my blog know, depression runs in my family and I have suffered from it in the past. I can work myself into downward spiral when the right mix of stress, loneliness, and crushing moments happen. These moments are enough to challenge me, to weaken my resolve with my desire to continue school. This is a tough program and I need the support, the camaraderie of my classmates to succeed.  Yes, I know I can push through it alone, but it hurts me deeply.


Kathryn Müller said...

I hate those "crush moments" that run my day. One moment you're happy and in a next minute you're sad becouse of something.

I know that situation (with classmates) what you decribed very well. They're sitting next to you and talking to each, it's just like you not even exist. You want to say something, but it's conversation between friends and you don't wanna enterupt them or something. I've felt bad about being alone all the time and not belong... i deal with it. Now i'm not sad becouse of that. Just sometimes. But you have to realized that you do have own friends. Even if they are not with you when you're alone in the crowded room, they do still exist. I think i understand your feelings (i don't know you, though) because it's my everyday reality. Sometimes i don't mind, sometimes i do. But we should worry about it. Well, here is so many things i'd like to tell you (and myself too), just to make you sure that you don't have to feel bad about it at all. You know what's funny? In my class there's so many people who wanna be unique. But at the end the only persons who are really different people like you and me (of course we are not the same, but you know what i mean) and i'm sure the classmates don't wanna be different in this way. But who cares? If you are lucky enough to be different, don't ever change. Your life will get better when you realize it's better to be alone than to chase people who don't really care about you. Don't let them brink you down. You're unique.

I'm sorry for mistakes and complicated sentences, i'm...writting fast (or another stupid excuse) :)

Michelle Phan said...

Dear Blogger,
You have written all in a very lucid and genuine way.I totally understand what you may feel.But I tell you something people who are different and have their own identity peopl get scared of them. And they feel insecure in their presence.. You know to be common is very easy but to be different is always very complicated thing.Especially, if one is not yet any celebrity or anything..Do you know all those big shots on this planet are different and thats why they are VIPs..Its just that if an ordinary person is different people do not accept them but if that ordinary person becomes something people will readily follow them..People are strange you cannot help.
Just leave it,and do not feel so associated with them as association leads to tension and if your expectation are high then the tension turns out to be depression...Good Luck my dear blogger in your blogging